Today I stopped by Starbucks to get ‘my’ drink.
There was a line and it wasn’t moving.
The couple ahead of me was doing more than just buying coffee – they were taking-time and delaying whatever was supposed to be happening next. Which, in this case, was me ordering my 1/2 caf Americano, tall, with room.
‘I was in a hurry.’ I considered options, which included the thought that I could just leave. I contemplated that a bit. Like, no need to get upset, just quietly turn and walk out. Would that leave ‘attitude’? Did I kinda want that? Could I do it without leaving ‘attitude.’
Something decided the solution of leaving wasn’t satisfying; after all, I did want a cup of coffee, so I stayed.
Then I realized that actually, I wasn’t in a hurry at all.
I had lots of time in the scheme of what I’d set out to do that afternoon; which was to go to Home Depot and look at chain saws. There’s something satisfying about looking at machinery – metal that can chew up wood, the smell of 4-cycle mixed-fuel exhaust, buzz sound – and, I was just going to go look. I had all afternoon, if I wanted.
So then I thought, “This will be a good chance to just feel it.”
To feel my discomfort.
I did, and like it didn’t go away.
In my stomach and chest was tightness. A voice was saying ‘these people are too much.’
I just noticed – and burned. Stood very still.
After a cresendo of inner tension, it passed.
I was then left with being amazed at how peaceful it was.
In ‘reality’ nothing had changed – but in non-reality, the new reality, it was very different.
I asked myself, “Where did that come from? That ‘that’ that needed to be in a hurry? Who or what wanted that? Could I find that?
No. I couldn’t.
I did finally get served. I can’t say that the outer experience was ‘magically’ any different at all. The couple was still being self-indulgent but no longer a pain in the ass.
But I was different, or ‘there was difference within.’
Observing, noticing, looking within, not finding – all of that.