The conversation about women who stay in DV relationships, with average of 6 or 7 times to leave, is one I’m familiar with. I believe it’s probably true and it also seems true that our ability to impact their leaving is weak, at best. There are lots of reasons, I know, to include that it may be in the woman’s best interest to stay because she could well get killed if she does leave.
However, from the nondual perspective, I would suggest that the problem is that we are not impacting the ‘causal point’ of her dilemma. (The ‘causal’ point is where the ’causes’ for something to happen come together. For example, where the cue ball hits the other balls and ’causes’ them to scatter, is the causal point – and we aren’t impacting that.) The causal point usually happens outside of awareness because it happens in the present-moment and we’re all stuck in our minds (me included) in the past or future – missing the present moment. By the way, talking about being present and actually being present in our lives are two different things and one doesn’t necessarily lead to the other.
There are three ‘bodies’ – the ‘emotional body’, ‘mental body’ and ‘physical body’. Helping her move to a new location is physical body stuff; teaching her to think about it differently is mental body stuff; and resolving the ‘feelings’ that are generating her returning time and time again are ‘emotional’ body stuff.
True, they are all important. DV Women Shelters (physical) are important; teaching her to write letters about the abuse she has suffered (mental) and ‘addressing-her-feelings’ (emotional but mostly mental) are all important. But the one that is the driving force (again from nondual perspective) is the emotional body; and to the extent we don’t address effectively her ‘negative emotional charge’ then her external behavior (how her life is showing up in the dream) won’t change, i.e. she keeps going back because there is an emotional resonance that is drawing her back to her abuser.)
Another way to say this, lovingly, I suppose, is that cognitive-behavioral therapy is ineffective because it is in the mental body. Thinking that getting better at doing cog-b to solve the problem is like thinking we can drill more oil wells to solve the energy crises; again, it’s not addressing the causal point, although it may be the best we can do for the time being.
So, how to address the causal point? That is, how to impact the ‘causal’ point? The answer is to work at the level of ‘felt-perception’. And, what’s the best, most effective way do to that?
Well, it’s not ‘talking-about-feelings.’ If we ask client, “How did it feel when you left? (‘feel’ meaning both emotional (fear/anger/grief) and/or physical (body sensations) and they say something like: “I had a knot in my stomach and was afraid but could really feel how much he loved me” then that is fine. But, the minute we start ‘talking-about-that-feeling-awareness’ (‘knot-in-stomach’, ‘fear’, ‘love’ ) then we are going into the mental body and moving away from the causal point which is where the ‘felt-perception’ is pointing. We are close but no banana. Talking ‘about’ feelings (embellishing the story) and thinking we are doing something is just another way to masturbate. Making mental causal connections – e.g. “your dad abused so you found a husband to abuse you” is okay on one level, but it does not address the energetic knot that is binding the woman to the abuser.
So, we use the EMDR protocol to awaken the felt perception (make a picture, what does that tell you about yourself, what are you feeling, and where do you feel it) and then invite them to sit with the discomfort and if we’re trained in EMDR then we use bi-lateral stimulation, if we’re not trained in EMDR then we don’t us bls, but we still sit with them in the resonance of discomfort. We let the ‘felt-perception’ inform us, (me, the therapist and her, the client) and not the other way around! (I would use the same strategy with the abuser, as well – but NEVER, of course, with them together.)
Hey, I made it all the way to the last paragraph before saying EMDR.
Jordan
hi jordan
thanks for this. i was in an emotionally (and potentially physically) abusive situation with my son’s father. it was very very hard to leave for all kinds of reasons (i was in a different country, poor, no family support, had a child, etc etc), but i did go. interestingly i still feel remnants of guilt and regret now, and i can feel bad about myself about it but i know i was right to leave. i notice that i can still be triggered by it in certain instances, i can’t seem to figure out what the causal point of it all is (even after doing the PP, 1st edition, 3 times). your clients are lucky to have access to you for EMDR. maybe that helps to short circuit whatever pattern is looping around in the brain & emotional body and the issue resolves. i can only imagine what joyful freedom that would be!
namaste.
Yes, EMDR would resolve and integrate the neuro-patterns in the brain that are short-circuiting. It’s a physiological process wrt neuron/dentrite length and connections and the way the memory is stored in the limbic system.
hi jordan
i hope you will still get this message. its been awhile since original posting! i’ve just completed a retreat with buddhist nun pema chodron. wonderful teachings. she talks a lot about ‘basic goodness’ of people. my thoughts i.e. story is that my basic goodness was destroyed and now i am left to wander in the world with nothing. its the only explanation my mind can come up with for why things are so bad and have been so for such a long time. i would like to do EMDR but i don’t have the money for a full session. do you have any idea how i could connect with someone who may be in training and willing to do it for free or a reduced fee? there must be a way to short circuit or cut thru the way my is operating as you mentioned above. i’m afraid that i will waste my life if something doesn’t change soon. many thanks!
namaste,
marie-francoise
I hope I haven’t given the impression that the EMDR treatment I am suggesting would be for just one session. Depending on the trauma history, it could be months or years.
I think you could go to the EMDRIA.org website and do a therapist search for your area, get a list of therapists and call them as ask about sliding scale fees. You could also go to EMDRA.com, and do the same with their website.
There is also an organization called HAP, which is the EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Program, = you could google that and see what they would offer. Possibly you would call the local woman’s domestic violence agencies and see if they have EMDR therapist on staff and if you could see one of them.
thanks for your suggestions. i’ll check into them.
but it could take years, huh? really? well,that doesn’t sound much different than talk therapy (or even psychoanalysis which also takes years) – just as expensive, time consuming and possibly ineffective. i’m glad you told me that because the majority of the advertising on the EMDR site and the video suggests, if not explicitly states, that one to three sessions would resolve the issue and/or show marked improvement. i’m thinking specifically of the testimony of a guy who was a vietnam vet with ptsd and an alcoholic who supposedly had one session with a friend and ended up not drinking anymore and generally doing well in his life. i also read other similar testimonies that i can’t recall just now but nothing on the EMDR site mentions what you just did, in fact they definitely suggest the opposite. thanks for the heads-up.
Single incident trauma can take from 1 to 3 sessions. Veterans who don’t have a history of childhood abuse can clear pretty quickly and when they do it’s amazing. Go to http://www.emdr4vets.com for a testimonial.
However, if there is a history of childhood abuse then it takes longer. You can add onto that people who don’t have positive memories or a positive neuro-network to build on, it takes longer. I think you would notice after a few sessions of EMDR some improvement and could determine if continuing would be worthwhile but I wouldn’t expect to be done.
For example, if someone had 10 or 15 years of chronic childhood abuse (to be clear I’m not suggesting this is you), and then 20 more years of compounding the abuse with unconscious behavior, then it is unrealistic to think it could clear in a few sessions or even a few months.
There is also the factor of developing emotional maturity once the trauma memories are cleared. Trauma stunts the development of emotional maturity, so even though the trauma memories are cleared there is still the issue of developing age appropriate emotional maturity. That can take awhile.
True, I don’t think the EMDR literature is upfront about how long it can take. There is a tendency to point to the ‘miracle’ cures.
No, it not the same as doing talk therapy. With talk therapy you can actually dig the hole deeper and intermediate results aren’t cleared as succinctly.
There is an emdr therapist named Christine Hassell who is very good and who does EMDR therapy online and has a generous sliding scale fee. Her website is http://www.turningpointpsychotherapy.com. Namaste, Stephanie
I don’t know Christine Hassell and her work so I am not endorsing her, but after looking at her website she seems like she would be a good therapist; however, it doesn’t look like she offers EMDR therapy online. Of course, that is something you would want to ask her about.
In any case, you want to be sure and ask any prospective EMDR therapist about how much EMDR processing they actually do. I do EMDR with about 85% of my clients about 85% of the time. That’s very high; but if you’re trying to clear the blocks that The Presence Process isn’t resolving and integrating then that’s what you want.
After reading about EMDR, and your comments about EMDR awakening felt perceptions and the resolving of negative emotional charges, I’m wondering about the person who has inherited a brain chemistry that might push one to anxiety and the development of many triggers associated with the anxiety. Leading, of course, to such things as avoidance patterns and reacting inappropriately, and ultimately limiting one’s life. Can EMDR still help here? And is going through the presence process absolutely necessary? And while I’m at it, how does all this lead to emotional maturity?
People who have “inherited a brain chemistry that might push one to anxiety” are still helped by EMDR. Anxiety and the development of triggers over the years becomes accumulative, and the use of EMDR can help people get back to their basic biological level. So that a person taking an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication could expect to reduce their level of medication but not eliminate it completely. So yes, EMDR can absolutely help in cases where avoidance patterns and reacting inappropriately is limiting one’s life.
No, going through the presence process is not absolutely necessary, although some form of getting in touch with one’s inner self probably is. The presence process would be just one way.
The growth of emotional maturity would include a shift from being ‘reactive’ to being ‘responsive.’ When we are anxious and unaware of our inner self then we tend to be more reactive. EMDR helps by changing the way the emotional memory is stored in the brain so the ability to regulate one’s emotions becomes more manageable, the presence process helps one get perspective on what it happening in one’s life that is closer to what is actually happening.
Jordan…It is great to have these articles and the opportunity to discuss our concerns and progress! I have experienced chilhood abuse on many levels with years of anxiety and confusion about simple living and adddictions. I have been using EMDR (with a sliding afordable scale) for a year now and have been working with Michael Browns Presence Process for 2 years. Between the 2 my life has changed dramatically for the good…(I the student was ready therefore the teachers presented themselves)