I remember, as a kid, sitting in dad’s little church on Talcott street in Sedro-Woolley, squinting my eyes during the ‘pastoral’ prayer, trying to see God. That was usually one long prayer. Dad wasn’t afraid of using an extended period of agonizing silence for the lead-in; and sometimes during the talking part, in his deep reverend voice, he’d get on a roll. After all, it was pastoral and he was talking to God.
With the framed-almost-photo of the long-haired blond-headed Western-looking Jesus hanging on the wall behind me on the right, I was certain that if there was a God, he’d appear here, now. “Must be here somewhere,” I was thinking as I’d squint and gently turn my head from side to side. Had to be careful, though. Didn’t want anyone to see me – looking – couldn’t do that. But usually it was safe. It was a serious crowd of Presbiters and they seemed to be getting into it – heads nodding, up and down.
What I didn’t figure out then and, in fact, only just realized this morning was that the ‘seeing was in the looking.’
That is, that what was ‘looking out’ is what was being ‘looked for.’ The instrument of perception – the eyes – were actually the vehicle of awareness itself.
In other words, I wasn’t not seeing God because he wasn’t there. S/he was there! Just not as an object of awareness. Godness was in the ‘seeing’ that was ‘looking’ because, Lord only knows, the seeing that was looking through the squinting, was looking through itself.
This gave me a bit of goose bumps. God looking out through the eyes? Is this what you are saying?
I think it is more than that. It’s like god is looking out and god is also ‘in’ the looking that is looking out.
After I wrote that piece, I went for a walk and could feel energy moving out through my legs. That wasn’t so new, but what was different was thinking that it was the same ‘seeing’ that was going out my eyes but because it was going out my legs and not my eyes it wasn’t visually seeing anything but it was god essence moving into the oneness.
I think Michael Brown talked to me about this when he would say to look out through your heart.
I don’t understand fully..but that’s OK because my mind will never understand (right?). However, something understood…hence the goosebumps.
Could also be the seeing is in the feeling.
say more…
Funny, whenever I read the title I see, ‘Squirting in the eyes…’ – Don’t know what it means other than I need to wear glasses more than I do…j